I am depressed.
Is there a reason for it? Probably not...it's hereditary sure...but my mind is going crazy with things that probably don't really matter.
I hate that when I am troubled like this in the middle of the night there is no one I can turn to for comfort. Yes, there is God, but He isn't physical, and I can't always here His voice...there is too much noise in my head to hear over it.
Even when Chris is home I will not turn to him and wake him up and say..."I'm sad, I'm crying...I need you." If he is still awake, then I will turn to him...if he isn't, I will not wake him. I will get out of bed and go into the other room so that there is no chance of waking him with my misery.
I've learned over the years through hard knocks not to wake people up. Most people don't really care, they don't understand, don't want to, and get angry at being woken for "nothing".
I lost two babies in previous relationships...both dad's were worthless. The first one ran off and got drunk and left me to fend for myself, I didn't see him for two days. His sister defended him in this action when he showed up at her house. He also did not go with me to the hospital for the D&C...I forgot about that for 4 years after...blocked it out...someone had to remind me...nor did he hug me...his cousin did.
The second one, equally worthless, didn't actually leave, but made it clear he was happy that the baby didn't make it.
Granted, in both cases I too am happy that the babies didn't make it. It hurt then, but it was for the best. They are in heaven, happy...life on earth, with fathers like that...would make it hard to be truly happy.
Chris, I know, would never do this to me. If I lost our baby, he would suffer right along with me. He would hold me...he would take off work and go with me to the hospital. If it wasn't possible for him to be there, he would have a damn good reason. I have a good husband.
This is not what troubles me right now, but you can see why I don't wake people up in the night. I suffer alone, often needlessly because there is nothing really to worry about...but I worry anyway. Aside from that...my husband works very hard, and when he is home, he needs his sleep...and when he is deployed...well, he's not really mine...he is Uncle Sam's....I play a secondary part...the back up.
I have to be strong, and I am. Much stronger than I am often given credit for. I may worry, and cry, and whatever....but I can and have handled all manor of crap. Every form of abuse you can think of in relationships and friendships...mental illness runs in my family...and I've had my share of depression, anxiety, etc...now I am on my second deployment in less than two years...and I'm about to give birth.
I can handle anything, and I do fairly well....but I wish there was someone I could turn to in the night and not feel guilty about it. Some physical voice of reason and a comforting hug.
Picture from: http://patrickbarber.wordpress.com/2011/03/31/troubled-hearts/
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