Update

I'd really like to update this blog, and keep it running with my other ones. But stupid Google won't let me change my email address to my gmail.com account. It says that I can't use a Gmail as the primary email for this account...which makes no sense as that is what is used for my other two blogs. Anyone else have this issue?

Troubled heart...or mind...which ever is really in control.

I am depressed.

Is there a reason for it? Probably not...it's hereditary sure...but my mind is going crazy with things that probably don't really matter.

I hate that when I am troubled like this in the middle of the night there is no one I can turn to for comfort. Yes, there is God, but He isn't physical, and I can't always here His voice...there is too much noise in my head to hear over it.

Even when Chris is home I will not turn to him and wake him up and say..."I'm sad, I'm crying...I need you." If he is still awake, then I will turn to him...if he isn't, I will not wake him. I will get out of bed and go into the other room so that there is no chance of waking him with my misery.

I've learned over the years through hard knocks not to wake people up. Most people don't really care, they don't understand, don't want to, and get angry at being woken for "nothing".

I lost two babies in previous relationships...both dad's were worthless. The first one ran off and got drunk and left me to fend for myself, I didn't see him for two days. His sister defended him in this action when he showed up at her house. He also did not go with me to the hospital for the D&C...I forgot about that for 4 years after...blocked it out...someone had to remind me...nor did he hug me...his cousin did.

The second one, equally worthless, didn't actually leave, but made it clear he was happy that the baby didn't make it.

Granted, in both cases I too am happy that the babies didn't make it. It hurt then, but it was for the best. They are in heaven, happy...life on earth, with fathers like that...would make it hard to be truly happy.

Chris, I know, would never do this to me. If I lost our baby, he would suffer right along with me. He would hold me...he would take off work and go with me to the hospital. If it wasn't possible for him to be there, he would have a damn good reason. I have a good husband.

This is not what troubles me right now, but you can see why I don't wake people up in the night. I suffer alone, often needlessly because there is nothing really to worry about...but I worry anyway. Aside from that...my husband works very hard, and when he is home, he needs his sleep...and when he is deployed...well, he's not really mine...he is Uncle Sam's....I play a secondary part...the back up.

I have to be strong, and I am. Much stronger than I am often given credit for. I may worry, and cry, and whatever....but I can and have handled all manor of crap. Every form of abuse you can think of in relationships and friendships...mental illness runs in my family...and I've had my share of depression, anxiety, etc...now I am on my second deployment in less than two years...and I'm about to give birth.

I can handle anything, and I do fairly well....but I wish there was someone I could turn to in the night and not feel guilty about it. Some physical voice of reason and a comforting hug.

Picture from: http://patrickbarber.wordpress.com/2011/03/31/troubled-hearts/

My dream house.

This is my dream house. The one from the movie "Practical Magic" with Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman. Too bad it doesn't exist.

http://hookedonhouses.net/2009/10/25/practical-magic-a-victorian-house-fit-for-a-witch/

Wedding Rewind in 2019. :)

Yes, I have not been married a year and a half yet...BUT I am already thinking about my vow renewals in 10 years...well 9ish years, for our 10 year anniversary.

I had a nice small wedding, but had I had more time and more money, I would have had more. If I were to be doing my 10 year right now, here is a list of things that would change/stay the same:

Groom: Definitely stay the same. :) Love love love my husband, I have since I was 11 years old, and I don't see that ever changing.

Grooms apparel: He wore his dress blues and looked super sexy in them, but by our ten year, I have decided that he is going to be a master chief. So he will wear what master chiefs wear. If you know my husband, you know that is actually pretty realistic.

Dress: Stay the same. I love my dress, and I plan for it to still fit. :)

Groomsmen: I have a feeling they will be the same. Chris loves his brothers and his Gedi. (I probably spelled that wrong.) :p

Bridesmaids: Who knows. A bunch of my last ones kinda stood me up, and with me moving all the time, I will have friends all over the place.

Groomsmen's apparel: Sorry guys, you are in tuxes this time.

Bridesmaids apparel: I had dresses and colors I liked, and my bridesmaids pretty much all pitched various fits...then didn't show up. You (whoever you are) will where what I want you to wear and suck it up. Be happy that if big 80's dresses make a come back, I will still think they are ugly and won't make you wear them. (Note, the bridesmaids that I did have were great and I will probably use at least two of them again.)

Flower girl: My daughter.

Ring bearer: Chris' nephews did a fine job, but they will be too big. If I have sons they will do it, if not, I will find someone else. Who knows maybe Sam will have kids by then. :)

Ushers: My brother again and Chris' nephews.

Giving me away: If my grandpa is willing and able, I will have him do it again. If not, I will walk alone.

Minister: Someone NOT related to either of us. My father-in-law did fine, but I have my reasons.

Parents will have NO part in the ceremony this time except for the mom's lighting the candle, they will be there strictly to party.

Date: I liked my Christmas wedding, but I want an outdoor wedding in the fall this time I think. (If we can fit it in with my Master Chief husbands schedule) Squeezing in the wedding we had was quite the trick as it was.

Colors: Fall colors: I have a passion for orange flowers and I like russets and stuff like that...with pumpkins and things as decorations.

Photographer: My good friend Art. The pictures will not cost me much if anything (may get them as a gift), he will actually edit them and take out any flaws. I know he will get pictures of me at the alter...there are not any from my wedding now....and I won't have to deal with a diva attitude. I will be the center of attention and treated as such. I would have had him do our real wedding, but for various reasons could not...and got subpar pictures and an argumentative photographer as a result...deal or no deal. (Note about the photographer: He does good work on certain things I've seen...my wedding was not one of them.)

Reception: Yes please! Chris thinks it's stupid to have dancing cause neither one of us is much of a dancer or very graceful...BUT I like to dance, and I SHALL dance. Plus...the man can actually dance, I've seen him. He looks hot. And I don't care what I look like. My wedding, I can dance like a fool if I want.

Cake: I will actually get the cake that I WANT from a trusted baker...the cake I got for my real wedding wasn't even remotely close to what I asked for. As I want a fall wedding there will be no candy canes on this one though.

Venue: Preferably outside somewhere.

Honeymoon: I want one this time, a real one to somewhere awesome. Depends on Chris' schedule, and the state of the world though. Kids may or may not go with, I haven't decided that yet. I have just under 9 years, I have time. :)

Rings: I love my rings, I don't want them changed...even though Chris wants them bigger. They are perfect. I'm not a jewelry whore at all.

Guests: We will have them this time. I had to keep it small the first time, but 10 years is time for a big blow out. :)

Ride: Horses. :) LOL. Maybe, we will see. I at least want a nice ride of some kind...a limo, a carriage...who knows. :0)

Invite: I started a painting for the invite for the first wedding, I will find a way to use it this time.

Garters: Will be the same ones I have now. My toss garter went to waste because Chris' brother had his son catch it, and once he knew what it was for he threw it on the ground. Funny sure, but not what I wanted to happen. Someone who wants to catch it will catch it...and since we will be at a reception and not in a church, Chris will actually climb under my dress to get it with his teeth, as is proper and right. :)

Toss Bouquet: I will have a real one made this time. I just did a little cheesy one cause we were gonna be in the church with only his sister and my cousin to catch it...and I knew it would get thrown out. It didn't cost a bunch of money like the toss garter did.

Aisle Music: At the moment it would be, "You're still the one." by Shania. or "Two is better than one." by Boys Like Girls and Taylor Swift (That is my ringtone for Chris.)

Reception Music: DJ.

Well, I think that is it for now. Like I said, it's a ways away still, but I'm a planner...always have been, always will be.

Thankfulness and Positivity....and stress.

Bare with me...this will be a long blog, talking mostly about stress, but it will end well.

Lately on Facebook I've been posting lots of negative status updates about my "redheaded step child" or my dog...well not MY dog, but my husband Chris' dog that I am currently stuck with while he is in Guam.

He is a very very sweet dog, but a very very dumb dog. We have many disagreements and I get very angry. I have never been one of those people that is "slow to anger", that is my husband, not me. Me...I hate it, but I am very fast to anger. I have a very bad temper. I stress very very easily, and I dwell on things and lose sleep over them. It is one of the things I hate the most about myself, that I pray to change, but that seems to always come back to bite me in the butt, no matter the good day I may of had. In the past if I lost my temper...I could have lost my life...or had the crap kicked out of me...so now that that fear isn't there...my temper flies free.

The dog only listens to his favorite person, Chris, and maybe Chris' dad. Chris because he loves him, Chris' dad, probably out of fear. Those Dillard men are a fierce lot. :) So, since he won't listen to me...it is very hard to be stuck here with him.

It's not just the dog I stress about, but when I am angry with him, it opens my mind to all the other things that stress me out...and I dwell and dwell and dwell, and get angry.

My family stresses me out, this includes inlaws. I feel that they will never understand me. They see the me I was when I was growing up, they also see my bursts of anger and chose to remember those rather than the good things I've done. One member of my family told me that at first they were not happy that I was pregnant because Chris was going to be deployed. Meaning to me, and others I've asked that they didn't think I could handle having a baby on my own. That alone proves how little this "close" family member knows me. Do you have any idea what I've been through since I was 16 years old? Having a baby on my own with a supportive, loving husband on deployment is a cake walk compared to some of the stuff I've been through. I was born to be a military wife, and all the garbage I've been through just made me strong enough to handle it and everything that goes with it.

I also hate when I'm given advice by these people. Advice that I did not ask for. I don't presume to know everything about your lives and what you have been through, but from what I do know, in this particular case, I know all I need to know. I can handle anything. I don't need your advice, it fits your life, but my life is nothing like yours. I am also the one that has had to pick up the pieces when your "advice" hurts someone.

My husband stresses me out. I love him more than anything on earth, but like all couples we still have a lot of growing and learning to do. I'm just glad I have such an amazing man to grow and learn with.

Other non-related people stress me out. I get paranoid very easily. Another thing about me that drives me nuts.

The government stresses me out. Certain members of my family think they know everything there is to know about the government because they listen to NPR or whatever. They will never accept what I say about the government because I don't listen to NPR and I get angry about it. I am a military wife. I don't have to listen to NPR to know about the government and hate them. I live with what they are doing to my little family and my friends every day....but no matter how much I say this to my family, I still know nothing. I have been asked not to post negative stuff about Obama online by people who hardly even get online, and listen to NPR and of course know everything.

Another member of my family recently went through a big life change...and forgot their priorities. All the promises made about stuff have flown out the window with this recent change. I am forced to chase for just a brief word, and when told I will be given time, am very quickly brushed aside for someone else. I am no longer chasing. I hope to be remembered at some point. I am after all pregnant and alone down here. :)~

I also tell people my express wishes for how I want things to go for MY life, and they blissfully push them aside because their desires are more important than mine. I offer ways of showing my baby to those who want to see her, and am ignored or told those ways just are not good enough. Well, I'm sorry. I am not going to spend extra time and money burning CD's and DVD's with every baby milestone just because you don't want to take the easy way. If you miss out, you miss out. It's that simple.

Well, you can see I'm nearly always stressed out. My mind constantly goes with all this crap. Crap that it really does not help to dwell on because my family will see me the way they want to, my dog will never change, my family will always have their love for Obama and think that I know nothing even though I live under the thumb of the government and they do not. I will always be pushed aside by someone's ass that has "gotten out of hand" and be somehow blamed for it. "Stop Lizzie, just stop." Stop what exactly? I was just standing here.

Some see me for the strong woman I am, and I am thankful to those, some never will....and I need to get over that fact. I pray every night that my mind will stop racing with this stuff, that my temper will slow down to a slow burn rather than what it is. I very much hope that this little baby inside me has a slow burn temper like her daddy's and is not a short fuse like I am.

So I am stressed out and as I warned at the beginning this is a very long blog...but I am going to end it well...at least for me.

No matter how much I am stressed about something I have more things to be thankful for than stressed out for.

After many years of crap I have an amazing husband. He loves me and he makes it clear he loves me. He would do anything for me, and he is my very best friend. He may stress me out at times, but the good far out ways the bad. He is wonderful, loving, not to mention very very very sexy. :)

My family stresses me out, but when you get right down to it, my family is awesome compared to other peoples. I am very blessed to come from those I do. They may chose to never understand me, but they are all great people from a great gene pool.

My inlaws stress me out, but they are also great. Who else can call their father-in-law or mother-in-law at two in the morning just because and they will actually answer and not be mad?

My government stresses me out, but for the time being at least...I have a roof over my head because of the job my husband does for them, and if in the off chance my husband is one of the Seabees that is booted out by the Obama administration, I know my husband will never let me be without that roof...even though the government doesn't care.

I have a beautiful little girl growing inside me right now. She is due in a matter of weeks. My life is about to change forever. Am I ready? I don't know, but I know I can handle it, even with Chris gone.

My dog and even my cat stress me out...but they keep me company, I am thankful for that.

I am thankful for a great many things, things that the Lord saw fit to bless me with. Me, this very undeserving person has been blessed multiple times by a Gracious God that for some reason decided to love me. So, even though you may see mostly negative things from me on Facebook or what have you...I am not really a negative, thankless person. I am very thankful and very grateful for everything...even when it stresses me out.

I try to be positive and not post negative things, but my very short fuse most often gets the best of me...and I'm sorry for burning you all with it. I will try harder to show my lighter more positive side.

Sorry for the length of this blog...but I've always been a talker and when I'm stressed I need to talk more.

Here's to a more thankful and positive way of living! Cheers.

Something is off today....the nightlight?

Something really is off today. I'm not sure what it is. It's been a strange day for me I guess...sorta.

It started out last night when I could not fall asleep, I finally did, but woke after two hours and just lay there. I spoke to my husband (who if you didn't know is in Guam) around....7:00am this morning for a bit. I then started filling out more stuff in the baby book, as much as I am able without her actually being here yet (called the Dad in Law to get some of his family info) then finally went back to bed around 9:30am. I woke up around 2pm after what was actually a rather sound sleep for me. I only woke up once when my phone beeped. Normally...everything wakes me.

I then decided I needed to go to the bank and the store, but Amber was coming to clean poop so I waited. She came over followed by some admirers and introduced me as, "That's my Aunt Liz, she's awesome." :) That was pretty nice.

When she left I talked to the Mom in Law for more baby book stuff for her side and was going to take a nap rather than go out because I was sooo tired. Anemic still, and I really have not eaten much today. I was feeling kinda sick and nervous.

I lay there for a few minutes and then got up and went and picked up Amber to take her to Walmart with me because for some reason I have just been avoiding going and I needed her youth and energy to run around the store for me.

While at her house I talked to her parents and their friend and they told me that the diet food Sonny is on is what is making him fart so bad most likely. So her dad and his friend came over and were going to put it in the car for me to take to Walmart for exchange, but Walmart didn't want it back. So instead they took Sonny home with them for a play date.

On the way to Walmart, Amber and I called Petsmart and asked them if they would exchange the food for us. They agreed, four full bags, and the opened bag. So her dad is coming to load it tomorrow so I can take it there. (Chris stocked me up before he left since I'm in my last trimester and lifting that stuff is not really a good idea.)

Also today, I texted Chris about a half dozen times because of the animals. Something isn't right with the dog besides his farts, and the vet thinks it may be a thyroid issue, and Luna has been puking a lot more than normal. Sonny is going in two weeks because I want to make sure to have the money to cover whatever tests there are, and Luna is going tomorrow. I don't want to take either of them really, but Sonny isn't normal, and I'm tired of Luna barfing on everything. Amber's dad is also coming on the day Sonny has to go to the vet as the dog is so overweight that he cannot jump into the car on his own, and I of course cannot lift him.

All throughout all this...I've just felt OFF. I want my husband here, now, in my living room with me...or as it is now nearly one in the morning, snoring away in my bed.

Overall this deployment has been easy so far, nothing compared to the last one, even easier than when he was just an hour away for two weeks....but right now, I want him here.

I've also realized something rather strange about me today. I have a nightlight in my room, the main reason it is in there is so when I get up in the middle of the night, as I always do several times, I can see and not trip and wake up Chris. It's the third one I've had since I've been here, and after this one blew last night I will never buy one from the dollar store again, they don't last at all.

The thing about it is...when I stay other places, I can sleep in pitch black no problem, but in my own room, I need that light. I feel really restless, out of sorts, and kinda sad without it. When the second one blew, Chris was here, and I actually started crying because it made me miss him because I could not see him as clearly (he was leaving for FEX a few days hence). Fucked up, I know....I've never been like this before. So now...I just tried to sleep, and my nightlight is not working, my bed is empty and I am sad.

It's a very strange feeling filling me right now. I don't get it, I don't like it, I want my man home, my dog to lose weight and stop farting, and my cat to stop waking me up in the night (the last four nights she's made it a mission to annoy me all night long) and for her to stop puking. Is that asking too much? I don't think so. Oh...well...one more thing. I'd like to not be anemic anymore. I hate always being tired.