Update

I'd really like to update this blog, and keep it running with my other ones. But stupid Google won't let me change my email address to my gmail.com account. It says that I can't use a Gmail as the primary email for this account...which makes no sense as that is what is used for my other two blogs. Anyone else have this issue?

Troubled heart...or mind...which ever is really in control.

I am depressed.

Is there a reason for it? Probably not...it's hereditary sure...but my mind is going crazy with things that probably don't really matter.

I hate that when I am troubled like this in the middle of the night there is no one I can turn to for comfort. Yes, there is God, but He isn't physical, and I can't always here His voice...there is too much noise in my head to hear over it.

Even when Chris is home I will not turn to him and wake him up and say..."I'm sad, I'm crying...I need you." If he is still awake, then I will turn to him...if he isn't, I will not wake him. I will get out of bed and go into the other room so that there is no chance of waking him with my misery.

I've learned over the years through hard knocks not to wake people up. Most people don't really care, they don't understand, don't want to, and get angry at being woken for "nothing".

I lost two babies in previous relationships...both dad's were worthless. The first one ran off and got drunk and left me to fend for myself, I didn't see him for two days. His sister defended him in this action when he showed up at her house. He also did not go with me to the hospital for the D&C...I forgot about that for 4 years after...blocked it out...someone had to remind me...nor did he hug me...his cousin did.

The second one, equally worthless, didn't actually leave, but made it clear he was happy that the baby didn't make it.

Granted, in both cases I too am happy that the babies didn't make it. It hurt then, but it was for the best. They are in heaven, happy...life on earth, with fathers like that...would make it hard to be truly happy.

Chris, I know, would never do this to me. If I lost our baby, he would suffer right along with me. He would hold me...he would take off work and go with me to the hospital. If it wasn't possible for him to be there, he would have a damn good reason. I have a good husband.

This is not what troubles me right now, but you can see why I don't wake people up in the night. I suffer alone, often needlessly because there is nothing really to worry about...but I worry anyway. Aside from that...my husband works very hard, and when he is home, he needs his sleep...and when he is deployed...well, he's not really mine...he is Uncle Sam's....I play a secondary part...the back up.

I have to be strong, and I am. Much stronger than I am often given credit for. I may worry, and cry, and whatever....but I can and have handled all manor of crap. Every form of abuse you can think of in relationships and friendships...mental illness runs in my family...and I've had my share of depression, anxiety, etc...now I am on my second deployment in less than two years...and I'm about to give birth.

I can handle anything, and I do fairly well....but I wish there was someone I could turn to in the night and not feel guilty about it. Some physical voice of reason and a comforting hug.

Picture from: http://patrickbarber.wordpress.com/2011/03/31/troubled-hearts/

My dream house.

This is my dream house. The one from the movie "Practical Magic" with Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman. Too bad it doesn't exist.

http://hookedonhouses.net/2009/10/25/practical-magic-a-victorian-house-fit-for-a-witch/

Wedding Rewind in 2019. :)

Yes, I have not been married a year and a half yet...BUT I am already thinking about my vow renewals in 10 years...well 9ish years, for our 10 year anniversary.

I had a nice small wedding, but had I had more time and more money, I would have had more. If I were to be doing my 10 year right now, here is a list of things that would change/stay the same:

Groom: Definitely stay the same. :) Love love love my husband, I have since I was 11 years old, and I don't see that ever changing.

Grooms apparel: He wore his dress blues and looked super sexy in them, but by our ten year, I have decided that he is going to be a master chief. So he will wear what master chiefs wear. If you know my husband, you know that is actually pretty realistic.

Dress: Stay the same. I love my dress, and I plan for it to still fit. :)

Groomsmen: I have a feeling they will be the same. Chris loves his brothers and his Gedi. (I probably spelled that wrong.) :p

Bridesmaids: Who knows. A bunch of my last ones kinda stood me up, and with me moving all the time, I will have friends all over the place.

Groomsmen's apparel: Sorry guys, you are in tuxes this time.

Bridesmaids apparel: I had dresses and colors I liked, and my bridesmaids pretty much all pitched various fits...then didn't show up. You (whoever you are) will where what I want you to wear and suck it up. Be happy that if big 80's dresses make a come back, I will still think they are ugly and won't make you wear them. (Note, the bridesmaids that I did have were great and I will probably use at least two of them again.)

Flower girl: My daughter.

Ring bearer: Chris' nephews did a fine job, but they will be too big. If I have sons they will do it, if not, I will find someone else. Who knows maybe Sam will have kids by then. :)

Ushers: My brother again and Chris' nephews.

Giving me away: If my grandpa is willing and able, I will have him do it again. If not, I will walk alone.

Minister: Someone NOT related to either of us. My father-in-law did fine, but I have my reasons.

Parents will have NO part in the ceremony this time except for the mom's lighting the candle, they will be there strictly to party.

Date: I liked my Christmas wedding, but I want an outdoor wedding in the fall this time I think. (If we can fit it in with my Master Chief husbands schedule) Squeezing in the wedding we had was quite the trick as it was.

Colors: Fall colors: I have a passion for orange flowers and I like russets and stuff like that...with pumpkins and things as decorations.

Photographer: My good friend Art. The pictures will not cost me much if anything (may get them as a gift), he will actually edit them and take out any flaws. I know he will get pictures of me at the alter...there are not any from my wedding now....and I won't have to deal with a diva attitude. I will be the center of attention and treated as such. I would have had him do our real wedding, but for various reasons could not...and got subpar pictures and an argumentative photographer as a result...deal or no deal. (Note about the photographer: He does good work on certain things I've seen...my wedding was not one of them.)

Reception: Yes please! Chris thinks it's stupid to have dancing cause neither one of us is much of a dancer or very graceful...BUT I like to dance, and I SHALL dance. Plus...the man can actually dance, I've seen him. He looks hot. And I don't care what I look like. My wedding, I can dance like a fool if I want.

Cake: I will actually get the cake that I WANT from a trusted baker...the cake I got for my real wedding wasn't even remotely close to what I asked for. As I want a fall wedding there will be no candy canes on this one though.

Venue: Preferably outside somewhere.

Honeymoon: I want one this time, a real one to somewhere awesome. Depends on Chris' schedule, and the state of the world though. Kids may or may not go with, I haven't decided that yet. I have just under 9 years, I have time. :)

Rings: I love my rings, I don't want them changed...even though Chris wants them bigger. They are perfect. I'm not a jewelry whore at all.

Guests: We will have them this time. I had to keep it small the first time, but 10 years is time for a big blow out. :)

Ride: Horses. :) LOL. Maybe, we will see. I at least want a nice ride of some kind...a limo, a carriage...who knows. :0)

Invite: I started a painting for the invite for the first wedding, I will find a way to use it this time.

Garters: Will be the same ones I have now. My toss garter went to waste because Chris' brother had his son catch it, and once he knew what it was for he threw it on the ground. Funny sure, but not what I wanted to happen. Someone who wants to catch it will catch it...and since we will be at a reception and not in a church, Chris will actually climb under my dress to get it with his teeth, as is proper and right. :)

Toss Bouquet: I will have a real one made this time. I just did a little cheesy one cause we were gonna be in the church with only his sister and my cousin to catch it...and I knew it would get thrown out. It didn't cost a bunch of money like the toss garter did.

Aisle Music: At the moment it would be, "You're still the one." by Shania. or "Two is better than one." by Boys Like Girls and Taylor Swift (That is my ringtone for Chris.)

Reception Music: DJ.

Well, I think that is it for now. Like I said, it's a ways away still, but I'm a planner...always have been, always will be.

Thankfulness and Positivity....and stress.

Bare with me...this will be a long blog, talking mostly about stress, but it will end well.

Lately on Facebook I've been posting lots of negative status updates about my "redheaded step child" or my dog...well not MY dog, but my husband Chris' dog that I am currently stuck with while he is in Guam.

He is a very very sweet dog, but a very very dumb dog. We have many disagreements and I get very angry. I have never been one of those people that is "slow to anger", that is my husband, not me. Me...I hate it, but I am very fast to anger. I have a very bad temper. I stress very very easily, and I dwell on things and lose sleep over them. It is one of the things I hate the most about myself, that I pray to change, but that seems to always come back to bite me in the butt, no matter the good day I may of had. In the past if I lost my temper...I could have lost my life...or had the crap kicked out of me...so now that that fear isn't there...my temper flies free.

The dog only listens to his favorite person, Chris, and maybe Chris' dad. Chris because he loves him, Chris' dad, probably out of fear. Those Dillard men are a fierce lot. :) So, since he won't listen to me...it is very hard to be stuck here with him.

It's not just the dog I stress about, but when I am angry with him, it opens my mind to all the other things that stress me out...and I dwell and dwell and dwell, and get angry.

My family stresses me out, this includes inlaws. I feel that they will never understand me. They see the me I was when I was growing up, they also see my bursts of anger and chose to remember those rather than the good things I've done. One member of my family told me that at first they were not happy that I was pregnant because Chris was going to be deployed. Meaning to me, and others I've asked that they didn't think I could handle having a baby on my own. That alone proves how little this "close" family member knows me. Do you have any idea what I've been through since I was 16 years old? Having a baby on my own with a supportive, loving husband on deployment is a cake walk compared to some of the stuff I've been through. I was born to be a military wife, and all the garbage I've been through just made me strong enough to handle it and everything that goes with it.

I also hate when I'm given advice by these people. Advice that I did not ask for. I don't presume to know everything about your lives and what you have been through, but from what I do know, in this particular case, I know all I need to know. I can handle anything. I don't need your advice, it fits your life, but my life is nothing like yours. I am also the one that has had to pick up the pieces when your "advice" hurts someone.

My husband stresses me out. I love him more than anything on earth, but like all couples we still have a lot of growing and learning to do. I'm just glad I have such an amazing man to grow and learn with.

Other non-related people stress me out. I get paranoid very easily. Another thing about me that drives me nuts.

The government stresses me out. Certain members of my family think they know everything there is to know about the government because they listen to NPR or whatever. They will never accept what I say about the government because I don't listen to NPR and I get angry about it. I am a military wife. I don't have to listen to NPR to know about the government and hate them. I live with what they are doing to my little family and my friends every day....but no matter how much I say this to my family, I still know nothing. I have been asked not to post negative stuff about Obama online by people who hardly even get online, and listen to NPR and of course know everything.

Another member of my family recently went through a big life change...and forgot their priorities. All the promises made about stuff have flown out the window with this recent change. I am forced to chase for just a brief word, and when told I will be given time, am very quickly brushed aside for someone else. I am no longer chasing. I hope to be remembered at some point. I am after all pregnant and alone down here. :)~

I also tell people my express wishes for how I want things to go for MY life, and they blissfully push them aside because their desires are more important than mine. I offer ways of showing my baby to those who want to see her, and am ignored or told those ways just are not good enough. Well, I'm sorry. I am not going to spend extra time and money burning CD's and DVD's with every baby milestone just because you don't want to take the easy way. If you miss out, you miss out. It's that simple.

Well, you can see I'm nearly always stressed out. My mind constantly goes with all this crap. Crap that it really does not help to dwell on because my family will see me the way they want to, my dog will never change, my family will always have their love for Obama and think that I know nothing even though I live under the thumb of the government and they do not. I will always be pushed aside by someone's ass that has "gotten out of hand" and be somehow blamed for it. "Stop Lizzie, just stop." Stop what exactly? I was just standing here.

Some see me for the strong woman I am, and I am thankful to those, some never will....and I need to get over that fact. I pray every night that my mind will stop racing with this stuff, that my temper will slow down to a slow burn rather than what it is. I very much hope that this little baby inside me has a slow burn temper like her daddy's and is not a short fuse like I am.

So I am stressed out and as I warned at the beginning this is a very long blog...but I am going to end it well...at least for me.

No matter how much I am stressed about something I have more things to be thankful for than stressed out for.

After many years of crap I have an amazing husband. He loves me and he makes it clear he loves me. He would do anything for me, and he is my very best friend. He may stress me out at times, but the good far out ways the bad. He is wonderful, loving, not to mention very very very sexy. :)

My family stresses me out, but when you get right down to it, my family is awesome compared to other peoples. I am very blessed to come from those I do. They may chose to never understand me, but they are all great people from a great gene pool.

My inlaws stress me out, but they are also great. Who else can call their father-in-law or mother-in-law at two in the morning just because and they will actually answer and not be mad?

My government stresses me out, but for the time being at least...I have a roof over my head because of the job my husband does for them, and if in the off chance my husband is one of the Seabees that is booted out by the Obama administration, I know my husband will never let me be without that roof...even though the government doesn't care.

I have a beautiful little girl growing inside me right now. She is due in a matter of weeks. My life is about to change forever. Am I ready? I don't know, but I know I can handle it, even with Chris gone.

My dog and even my cat stress me out...but they keep me company, I am thankful for that.

I am thankful for a great many things, things that the Lord saw fit to bless me with. Me, this very undeserving person has been blessed multiple times by a Gracious God that for some reason decided to love me. So, even though you may see mostly negative things from me on Facebook or what have you...I am not really a negative, thankless person. I am very thankful and very grateful for everything...even when it stresses me out.

I try to be positive and not post negative things, but my very short fuse most often gets the best of me...and I'm sorry for burning you all with it. I will try harder to show my lighter more positive side.

Sorry for the length of this blog...but I've always been a talker and when I'm stressed I need to talk more.

Here's to a more thankful and positive way of living! Cheers.

Something is off today....the nightlight?

Something really is off today. I'm not sure what it is. It's been a strange day for me I guess...sorta.

It started out last night when I could not fall asleep, I finally did, but woke after two hours and just lay there. I spoke to my husband (who if you didn't know is in Guam) around....7:00am this morning for a bit. I then started filling out more stuff in the baby book, as much as I am able without her actually being here yet (called the Dad in Law to get some of his family info) then finally went back to bed around 9:30am. I woke up around 2pm after what was actually a rather sound sleep for me. I only woke up once when my phone beeped. Normally...everything wakes me.

I then decided I needed to go to the bank and the store, but Amber was coming to clean poop so I waited. She came over followed by some admirers and introduced me as, "That's my Aunt Liz, she's awesome." :) That was pretty nice.

When she left I talked to the Mom in Law for more baby book stuff for her side and was going to take a nap rather than go out because I was sooo tired. Anemic still, and I really have not eaten much today. I was feeling kinda sick and nervous.

I lay there for a few minutes and then got up and went and picked up Amber to take her to Walmart with me because for some reason I have just been avoiding going and I needed her youth and energy to run around the store for me.

While at her house I talked to her parents and their friend and they told me that the diet food Sonny is on is what is making him fart so bad most likely. So her dad and his friend came over and were going to put it in the car for me to take to Walmart for exchange, but Walmart didn't want it back. So instead they took Sonny home with them for a play date.

On the way to Walmart, Amber and I called Petsmart and asked them if they would exchange the food for us. They agreed, four full bags, and the opened bag. So her dad is coming to load it tomorrow so I can take it there. (Chris stocked me up before he left since I'm in my last trimester and lifting that stuff is not really a good idea.)

Also today, I texted Chris about a half dozen times because of the animals. Something isn't right with the dog besides his farts, and the vet thinks it may be a thyroid issue, and Luna has been puking a lot more than normal. Sonny is going in two weeks because I want to make sure to have the money to cover whatever tests there are, and Luna is going tomorrow. I don't want to take either of them really, but Sonny isn't normal, and I'm tired of Luna barfing on everything. Amber's dad is also coming on the day Sonny has to go to the vet as the dog is so overweight that he cannot jump into the car on his own, and I of course cannot lift him.

All throughout all this...I've just felt OFF. I want my husband here, now, in my living room with me...or as it is now nearly one in the morning, snoring away in my bed.

Overall this deployment has been easy so far, nothing compared to the last one, even easier than when he was just an hour away for two weeks....but right now, I want him here.

I've also realized something rather strange about me today. I have a nightlight in my room, the main reason it is in there is so when I get up in the middle of the night, as I always do several times, I can see and not trip and wake up Chris. It's the third one I've had since I've been here, and after this one blew last night I will never buy one from the dollar store again, they don't last at all.

The thing about it is...when I stay other places, I can sleep in pitch black no problem, but in my own room, I need that light. I feel really restless, out of sorts, and kinda sad without it. When the second one blew, Chris was here, and I actually started crying because it made me miss him because I could not see him as clearly (he was leaving for FEX a few days hence). Fucked up, I know....I've never been like this before. So now...I just tried to sleep, and my nightlight is not working, my bed is empty and I am sad.

It's a very strange feeling filling me right now. I don't get it, I don't like it, I want my man home, my dog to lose weight and stop farting, and my cat to stop waking me up in the night (the last four nights she's made it a mission to annoy me all night long) and for her to stop puking. Is that asking too much? I don't think so. Oh...well...one more thing. I'd like to not be anemic anymore. I hate always being tired.

Asperger's Syndrome ~ The mystery that is me.

I've written about this before (on Myspace) but as that no longer exists except to the most savvy internet hackers I will do so again.

A few years back I was told by a psychologist that I have Asperger's, which is essentially high functioning Autism. My younger sister thinks that's bunk, but as she doesn't have to live with it, she can't really know. When I was told that I have it, and what goes along with it it was the very first thing in my entire life that made sense to me.

Here are some symptoms of Aspergers and all are something I have always had.

Social awkwardness (I regularly stick my foot in my mouth.)

Complete focus on one subject (my mind just goes over the same thing over and over again, its very annoying. I also repeat myself a lot.)

Lack of eye contact (when I was modeling in high school I had to be trained to look people in the eye...since I am no longer modeling I've reverted back to not looking most the time.)

Sensitivity to noise (I am over sensitive to certain sounds, when I was younger this was a huge problem and would lead to fits of anger.)

Sensitivity to clothing (I can't stand things touching my neck for very long. It takes a lot of willpower.)

Anger/aggression (this isn't the problem it used to be, but I do still have a strong temper.)

Craves Routine (I have to know what is going on, I don't like to fly by the seat of my pants very often.)

Appears lost in own world (Those of you who know me well know how true this is. I often drift off to somewhere else.)

Repetitive Motion (If you grew up with me you know how very true this one is. I was called Dizzy Lizzie and Dizzy Lizzie the Retard among other things, my entire childhood.)

I also have suffered from various forms of depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder and ADHD. Since marrying Chris most of that is gone (at least it appears to be), only the Aspergers and ADHD remain. The ADHD also contributes to the repetitive thoughts going round and round in my head.

So if I offend you in some way, stick my foot in my mouth I am sorry. I do think before I speak on most occasions, but I still say what I was going to say in the first place...because it makes sense to me I guess.

My mom told me recently that she read that they are now having meetings for people with Aspergers, but not many people show up because most of us are "still in the closet". Well, I'm not ashamed, this is how God made me. You probably know more of us and are as yet unaware.

Claire Danes just won a golden globe for portraying one of us in a HBO movie, based on a true story.

There are others in my close circle that have it that I know of, however, I am the most extreme case. I will not mention who they are, just in case they would rather stay in the closet for now. :)

Hope this sheds some light on the Mystery that is Liz. :)

Dogs should be more like Cats.

Seriously, now that I'm living with my cat and Chris' dog...and we had that other naughty dog Gus staying with us for a while...I know I would like them better if they were more like the cat.

Cats take care of themselves.
Cats don't smell bad, in fact a lot of the time, mine smells like she just took a shower.
Cats don't eat nasty things.
Cats (once they are fixed) don't get random hard-ons. (In the case of boy cats, this doesn't apply to my princess.)
Cats usually don't go outside the litter box unless there is something wrong or it is full.
You can take a weekend trip and if you have to, you can leave the cat home alone.
Cats wash themselves regularly.

Dogs have to be cared for constantly.
Dogs smell rotten and have to be given regular baths.
Dogs make people's houses stink.
Dogs eat nasty things like trash, cat poop, and vomit...not to mention nasty things in the yard.
Dogs get random hard-ons. C'mon...no one wants to see that.
Dogs have to be let out, and then they leave bombs all over the yard that have to be cleaned up.
Dogs cannot be left home alone for more than a few hours, if they are...humans will regret it.
Dogs (in this case, Gus) sometimes pee all over the carpet and bath mats for no reason, and crap in the guest room.
Dogs (in this case, Gus) attack the cat for no reason, causing her to loose hair and be stressed.
Dogs don't clean themselves as well. Sonny is so fat he can't reach his own butt to clean it properly.

Oh, and dogs...especially my dog, as this was just brought again to my attention. Have nasty, smelly dog farts. :P

Don't get me wrong, I love Sonny for the most part. He is a VERY sweet dog, won't hurt anyone without reason. He loves the cat and they play together. He is also cute. BUT, he smells, he eats nasty things, he gets random hard-ons, and he can't take care of himself like Luna can. Gus, well, we all know about Gus. He was a very bad dog when he was here. Pissing and pooping on everything and growling at and attacking everyone for no reason. He is fine where he is now, and that's great, but he made me much more of a cat person when he was here.

I think all boy animals are nasty before they get fixed, my ex-cat Sniper was disgusting before he got fixed, but after that, he wasn't gross anymore, just naughty.

I told Chris that once Sonny goes to heaven, we are only getting girl animals from now on. He said, "Girl dog's get their periods." True, ALL female animals get their periods, but you get them fixed and they don't anymore, just like humans. And just like humans, male animals are nasty. :)~

Below are pictures of my princess, Luna, and Chris dog Sonny. Gus is in previous blogs, and he doesn't live here anymore...so no picture.




Sonny is also camera shy. He leaves the room whenever a camera comes out, even if its not on or pointed at him. The only one that can get him to pose is Chris. Chris is the only one who can get him to do ANYTHING.

Chris is allergic to cats, but there is no sign of it at all. When he was first around her, he got stuffed up...but not now and she regularly sleeps by him. Not to mention I will kiss her and then kiss him and it doesn't bother him. :) He says he doesn't like her, but I catch him petting her and giving her treats. :)

On a HAPPIER note! TEN WEEKS!!!

Yes, that's right. I am now ten weeks along. I'm not sure how I feel though. I still have a hard time fathoming what is going on inside my body. It still just feels like I have a really long lasting flu. Next week Friday is my next doctor appointment. I am going to make sure they show me my baby. I NEED to see my baby. I need to see that it is OK, and that I don't just have a nasty flu bug, I'm creating life. I have a tiny little person in my belly. It's up to me to make sure this little one comes out OK. Me and God that is. I can't do it without him.

So happy happy. TEN WEEKS and counting.

Sister Wives

OK. I know most people outright do not agree with a man having more than one wife. I don't really have a problem with it except for the fact that I think a woman should be able to have more than one husband if she wants as well. So there is no double standard. He gets multiple sex partners and housekeepers, she should get the same if she wants.

Would I ever be a sister wife? HELL NO. Chris is mine and mine only, and I know he feels the same way about me. We waited a long time for each other and we are not going to botch it by adding "others". I am a very jealous creature and he is too, and the fact that we love each other and want each other ONLY and selfishly is good for us. It works for us.

If other people are OK with having multiples in their family and everyone involved is OK with it, than that is their right as far as I'm concerned. I will NEVER share, but it's not up to me to judge those who want to.

I watched the show "Sister Wives" the other day. I like the women, they are nice, they know what they want, they are happy. I don't really like the guy that much. Maybe it's his horrid hair cut? I don't know....or maybe it's being raised to believe bigamy is wrong and that is still carrying over a bit. Who knows, but as long as all of them are happy...who really cares?

Week EIGHT and counting.

So far this pregnancy thing has been way overrated. I have just started my 7th week, and I'm so tired of it all already. I don't even feel like there is really anything special going on...I just feel sick all the time.

Every time Chris kisses me or whatever, I have to remember that I am not sick with something contagious, I'm creating life. He can't catch what I have.

I hardly eat, which I know is not good for the baby, but I never feel very good and it's hard to choke anything down. Then like the other day...I manage to eat pretty good and something (cat vomit) makes me sick and I puke.

I normally am one of those people that can go to sleep at night and sleep straight through to the next afternoon. Not anymore. I wake up in the night now and just lay there trying to fall back asleep to the loud snoring of Chris and Sonny. It's so frustrating. I have heartburn, and my tummy hurts.

Every little thing worries me, as I lost two babies before at or around the eight week mark. I'm so scared this baby isn't going to make it. Everything is different this time though, so I hope that is a good sign. The first two times, I didn't have any of these problems. I even have acne. Me, the only Kinmonth girl to have near perfect skin, now has pimples. I also have to shave way more often, my "body" hair is growing at an alarming rate.

Chris has the food cravings that I should have. He is eating more now that he probably has ever eaten, and starting to get a little sympathy belly because of it. I wish some of the nutrients from what he is eating would somehow get into the baby.

It also looks like he won't be here when the baby is born. Or even for the entire last trimester. The baby will be at least 7 months old by the time he meets him or her. That sucks really bad. I don't know what I'm gonna do without him. There is still a chance he will be able to get out of it, however minor. He was sposto get out in August, (he thought October) but now the bastards are extending him through the deployment.

Tomorrow is my first actual ObGyn visit and another ultrasound. I really hope we can see a heart flutter at least. This baby has to make it.

Oh, and for those of you that don't know. Gus no longer lives here. The little shit is probably the naughtiest dog I have ever had. The last straw was when Chris CAUGHT him pissing on the wall and when he went to punish him Gus tried to bite him. I'm not having my baby crawl around in dog piss and risk getting bitten. He lives with his aunt now and is a perfect little angel. Little shit. I am so tired of the stink of piss in my house. I told Chris we have to get a shampooer this weekend. He soaked one whole half of the house.

Well, that's it for now. I'm so tired, it's way to early to be up, but I couldn't sleep and a voice in my head kept telling me to get up and eat something. So I had some crackers.

Last Phone Call

I've been thinking...what would be different if my dad had called me when he was dying instead of my sisters. Would he still be alive?

For those of you that don't know my dad died in 2002 the day before my birthday, we hadn't really been getting along because every time we hung out he would say stuff about my mom that depressed me. The last time I saw him was a week before he died and he brought me a present and lunch to work. It didn't go the greatest for some reason...

Leah had become really good friends with dad, spending a ton of time with him, missing a lot of school to help him with grandpa's estate in Missouri, so on this last fateful trip, she didn't go. She needed to be in school. Then the last phone call he made was to her, but she was busy working on something, and she needed a break. Dad could get kinda hard to talk to when you did it as much as she was. So she didn't answer.

He also called Hannah...Hannah has never been easy to get ahold of. She leaves her phone places all the time...people find it in stores and it has to be mailed to her. So of course, she didn't answer either.

He didn't call me.

I am the one who has my phone with me 24/7, I almost always answer my phone. What would have happened if he had called me? I know I would have answered, but would I have believed he was as sick as he was and sent help? Or would I have thought he was being typical dad, (always sick with something or other), and just talked to him for a few minutes, and let him go. Would I have the guilt of letting him die, or would he have lived?

I think it was his time to go.

He didn't go to the hospital because he didn't have health insurance. I think if he was meant to live, God may have had him call me, the one child of his that would always answer the phone. (Nothing against my sisters, I just have this irrational (for the most part) need to answer when someone calls.)

If God had led him to call me, instead of them, I would have answered, but would I have believed him and sent help? Who knows. If not, then maybe it still would have been his time to go, but at least then he could have talked to one of his baby girls before he died...rather than voicemails.

The one thing I do have...he called me to ask me a question a few days before he died. He was about to hang up, and I blurted out "I love you!" He replied, "I love you too Kido." That was the last time I heard from him. At least I got to say that.

Cist

I am at the tail end of my third week of being pregnant. I have a cist on my left ovary the size of a lemon. When I got the positive result on the test I knew that I was exactly two weeks pregnant. Pretty much the day it happened, things started to change. I started becoming more moody and bitchy, and started getting sharp pains in my tummy.

Turns out the cist has been there for a while, but now that the baby is in there making me produce extra estrogen, it's growing faster, and causing pain. They have to monitor it because if it turns on itself it will block the blood flow to the ovary and they will have to operate, which could hurt the baby. It could also explode, which would hurt like hell, but shouldn't hurt the baby.

Right now I can feel it squatting in me, I can actually feel it. It doesn't feel right at all. It's an interloper in my body. I've had cists before, but I couldn't feel them...until they ruptured. This one is huge, and I want it gone.

The Peace Sign

For years I've known people who would refuse to wear the peace sign because they said it was an upside down or satanic cross in a circle with broken arms. I've always felt they were complete idiot's, no matter how much I loved the person...then I just came across this article about it...which proves to me that they really are idiots.

Where did the peace sign come from?

By Melissa Breyer
More from Care2 Green Living blog

It is instantly recognizable as a sign of peace, but what is the symbolism behind the peace sign?

The olive branch came from ancient Greece, the dove from the Bible … but where did that circle with the chicken-footprint come from?

Rewind back to 1958 when London textile designer, Gerald Holtom, wanted to create a symbol for marchers to carry on banners and signs at a "Ban the Bomb" march planned by the Direct Action Committee Against Nuclear War (DAC). The event was Britain’s first major demonstration against nuclear weapons -- a 52-mile march from London to the town of Aldermaston, home to an A-bomb research center.

Members of the DAC came to the march emblazoned with Holtom’s circle-with-lines symbol; but to bystanders, its meaning was a mystery.

Nowadays we all know what the symbol stands for, but what is the meaning behind the design? Holtom created the symbol by combining flag semaphore signals, an alphabet signalling system where flags are waved in a particular pattern to symbolize different letters. The system was used in the maritime world in the 1800s to convey information at a distance.

Holtom used the signals for the letters "N" for nuclear and "D" for disarmament and put them in a circle. The symbol is essentially a logo for the concept of nuclear disarmament! Such graphic elegance.

Later the symbol was adopted by the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament (CND). In 1960, the peace sign was imported to the United States via a peace sign button brought from the U.K. to the U.S. by Philip Altbach, a freshman at the University of Chicago.

The symbol had shown up here and there in the U.S. prior to that, but when Altbach convinced the Student Peace Union to adopt the sign as its symbol, the popularity of the peace sign grew immensely. By the late 1960s, the peace sign had become an international symbol adopted by anti-war protesters, and it doesn't seem to be losing steam any time soon.

See, for those of you who think the peace sign is a satanic cross with broken arms...you are really f'd up in your heads. :)

Cuteness. :)

Ripped off by Office Depot

K, so I needed some papers scanned and saved into a single PDF file. Thing is, they were fragile carbon copy papers, rather than regular typing paper.

I had 9 of them and she told me that because she had to take the extra half a second per page to set them "on the glass" that it cost $2.99 per page to scan it.

If they were regular typing paper and able to be sucked in by the machine, they would cost $2.99 for the first and $.25 for each additional.

So to scan 9 pieces of paper it cost me $27.00 when it should have cost me, $4.99. THAT IS THE BIGGEST BIT OF BULL SHIT that I have come across in a long time.

It took her literally 45 seconds to scan them, and it cost me $27.00 because she had to "lay them on the glass." You would think in this economy they would pull their heads out of their asses and charge a fair price. It should be the same $.25 no matter if it is sucking or on the glass.

She had a really bad attitude about it too, and my number one pregnancy symptom so far? Pure bitchiness...I was not near as bad as I could have been though. My mom called, so I had to turn it down.

I am feeling super bitchy though, I want to take it out on someone and I try not to take it out on Chris. It's not his "fault"...well it is, but it's not. LOL. I have a hard time controlling it though, it just comes out that way. This little incident with a worthless place, that I am no longer going to shop at...just made me steamy.

Can you imagine?

This is a portrait of Elizabeth the First, the Virgin Queen. Can you imagine dressing like this every day? Or even just for state occasions?

Soda-Coke Recap

Well, for months and months I didn't have any and my cravings were gone. Then I went to Olive Garden with Chris and he insisted that I have a Coke. I can now drink Coke without relapsing. I drink other soda's too, but the main thing I crave is water. :)

Yay me!

Gus

Well, we got a new dog. A chihuahua. I've been bugging Chris since we got married to get me a chihuahua, they are all over the place down here, you would think it was California...and now I have one.

One of Chris' friends friends is being deployed and she had an 11 year old male named Gus that needed a place to go. She talked me into it, not hard, and I got Chris to let me have him. He is HUGE, about the size of a cocker spaniel. Chris said that if he was as big as a normal chihuahua...or I should say as small as one, that he wouldn't let me have him. It also helps that he is "on his way out".

He growled and snapped at the other dog Sonny the first night, but now they are ok with eachother unless Sonny goes by his food. He still growls at Luna though. If he hurts her ever he is out the door, but his old mom assures me that he will not.

So now that is another dog to include in the Christmas card...and to take with us when we travel. He is cute though. Long haired. I love having a little dog in the house. I like little animals much more than I like big ones. Though I do love my Sonny.